A young family of adventurers living by the sea

Friday, 7 February 2014

FriDad - Parentercise

Hello everyone and thanks for hitting up FriDad. I want to send out another thank you for the response these posts are getting. It makes Laura happy and makes me look like I'm actually good at this.
This week is a wondering thought that caught my mind and I'm ready to pitch to you the new craze that will take parenting by storm. 
Exercise is tough to fit into a busy regime as a parent. Then it dawned on me, there are so many aspects of parenthood that could help trim that weight, tone those muscles and make every other parent look foolish.

Introducing Parentercise.
 Gym memberships and workout equipment is great, but once you've tried this, you'll be trading regime like you when you gave up Wii fit board for snowboarding games.

All you'll need for this great regiment is a child (or more if you're feeling cocky) super skimpy workout clothes whatever the weather to let other passersby know that they're dealing with a BADASS. Fathers gain bonus points for pencilling on their NECESSARY CHEST HAIR and mothers earn bonus points for creating earmuffs for the weather using sanitary towels (not used ones of course) and an extra mirror, just a pocket one to let your vanity know that you still care.

Here are just a few mind bending ways that you overlooked before considering Davina McCall the parent you REALLY want to listen to.

Sprint Circuits

Treadmills, jogs and even suicides (the workout, not the thing) just don't offer the adrenaline rush that is required from a workout. As a parent it's important to know that you can catch your child before they run off. To make this a great test, give your children red bull and set the free in field. This should give you the challenge you always needed and teaches you how to make quick decisions as they sprint so loud, you can hear it over their caffeine induced hollering. After two weeks you should have a cardiovascular system that makes you capable of outrunning the phone call you're gong to receive from concerned loved ones to tell them they just don't get it.

The Bicep Curls

Away with dumbells and off to the park. For this you must find one of those rope seesaw things. If you don't have one of these handy bits of equipment available at your local park you DIDN'T WANT TO PARENTERCISE HARD ENOUGH!
First kick any existing children off that aren't yours, place your child (or more if you're feeling cocky) onto one side of the seesaw. Then grab the other end and pull down on the rope giving your child ULTIMATE HAPPY EXPERIENCE. Curl each arm for 40 reps and increase the motion by adding power lunges. Let other parents know you mean business by giving them CONSTANT EYE CONTACT. Those flexes in those clothes will sure show them they're missing out. After just 3 weeks and a empty park you will have a gun show so fantastic you're going to need a gun license.

and finally, my personal favourite...value hunting

The ultimate push in cardiovascular fitness and physical growth towards a phenominal body. Pushchair power walking? Puhlease! That thing was just as unsuccessful as putting a rubber on the end of a pencil. 
The best way to make this work is to choose a valuable object of yours, to really push yourself, make it something you can't do without, say like your childrens photos or your eppy pen. Next give it to your children to hide while you focus on improving your body and that outfit. Once the weeks pass by, remind yourself that you require this in order to not consider punishing your beautiful children. Just look at your children, how wonderful they are, don't you want stranglers whose opinions mean nothing to your life to give you that look? Time to search high and low for a week! Move furniture, climb up and down every level of your house, flat or igloo to find it.
It doesn't matter if you succeed or not, because when you are caught staring at that person in the mirror, you'll be greatful you heard of parentercise. If you want the hardest possible workout if you think you can take it, test yourself by putting multiple valuables around the house during a house fire. You WILL feel the burn.

Parentercise, the workout like nothing a sane mind could ever conjure.

Right guys, that's it have yourself a great weekend and PLEASE, realise that this was a joke post.
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