I've been having a hard time recently. Not in the sense that I think I can't parent, or I think I'm going to lose my job.
More in the sense that I can't see the future. I have no idea what is going to happen and it scares the living crap out of me.
When me and Scott graduated we know it would be a struggle. We knew that we couldn't afford to live in Bournemouth on our wages and decided to move in with my mum (I love her so much for letting us!). It's allowed us to start paying off some of that crippling debt that we owed the bank after living beyond our means while at uni.
We've been here 6 months, applied for hundreds of jobs and had no luck. I know it's hard but without being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel I don't know what to think or do. With degrees in the creative arts, a tough cookie to break anyway, let alone with a child. It meant that we took jobs not in our field or jobs in our field and moved to somewhere like Manchester or Glasgow. We're finding people aren't interviewing us because we live too far away. A vicious circle of experience, location, money that sucks.
I know thousands of others are in the same boat but we've got a deadline over our heads of November. That's when we need to start applying for schools for Max. I don't want him to go to the school here as I hated it. I want us to be settled, in a place we can call our own and ready for a future. Not messing him around by forcing him to make new friends all the time in new places.
I want max to be proud of us. I want him to be able to say my mum and dad are awesome. But I honestly don't feel it. I feel like I'm failing. Like I did the wrong course at uni, like I was selfish to finish something I didn't actually want to finish out of spite. But it's happened, what's done is done. We just need to look forwards.
One day we will get there, our little piece of England will be ours. Hopefully sooner rather than later. But until then we continue to work to the bone and fight for what we want.